Today is not N.’s unbirthday. By an amazing stroke of luck, it’s also exactly 182.5 days away from her half-birthday. (Ladies do not divulge their age, and a true gentleman does not ask. So don’t even think about it!)

To celebrate, I plan to eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer. Since she hasn’t spoken to me in two months, I’m guessing she won’t be partaking.