{"id":613,"date":"2006-04-17T22:35:22-04:00","date_gmt":"2006-04-18T03:35:22+00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/peterjanes.ca\/blog\/2006\/04\/17\/dare-to-be-stupid\/"},"modified":"2006-04-17T22:51:19-04:00","modified_gmt":"2006-04-18T03:51:19+00:00","slug":"dare-to-be-stupid","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/peterjanes.ca\/blog\/2006\/04\/17\/dare-to-be-stupid\/","title":{"rendered":"Dare to be stupid"},"content":{"rendered":"

No one writes a love song<\/a> like Weird Al<\/cite> Yankovic<\/a>.<\/p>\r\n\r\n

You make me wanna hide a weasel in my shorts
\r\nYou make me wanna phone home
\r\nYou make me wanna write a dozen book reports
\r\nThen pack myself in styrofoam
\r\nSometimes you make me want to build a model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles<\/p><\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n

He writes for, and as, the shy-yet-infatuated guy that she<\/cite> doesn’t know exists:<\/p>\r\n\r\n

How can you ignore me when you know that I can’t live without you
\r\nI have to go through your garbage just to learn more about you<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Melanie, ooh
\r\nOh sweet Me-he-he-helanie
\r\nWhy won’t you go out with me<\/p><\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n

He writes lyrics that can be compared to none less than William Shakespeare<\/a>:<\/p>\r\n\r\n

You’re sort of everything I ever wanted
\r\nYou’re not perfect, but I love you anyhow
\r\nYou’re the woman that I’ve always dreamed of
\r\nWell, not really, but you’re good enough for now<\/p><\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n

And from time to time he’s just plain sweet:<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Do you remember sweet Michelle
\r\nShe was my high school romance
\r\nShe was fun to talk to and nice to smell
\r\nSo I took her to the homecoming dance<\/p><\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n

…but in that sweetness there’s an undercurrent of the sort that led to movies like Carrie<\/cite><\/a>…<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Then I tied her to a chair and I shaved off all her hair
\r\nAnd I left her in the desert all alone
\r\nWell sometimes in my dreams
\r\nI can still hear the screams
\r\nOh I wonder if she ever made it home<\/p><\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n

The ultimate Al love song, though, isn’t a love song at all. Back in high school a lipsync version won Bob Cates<\/a>, Tony Gryner, Ian Coulthard<\/a>, Sarah Dodge and me first prize in the North Lambton Secondary School air band<\/cite> competition. (Sadly, all of the photos and video of the event were destroyed in a curiously specific set of fires.) That song?<\/p>\r\n\r\n

One More Minute<\/cite><\/a>.<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Aaahh
\r\nAaahh<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Well I heard that you’re leavin’ (leavin’)
\r\nGonna leave me far behind (so far behind)
\r\n‘Cause you found a brand new lover
\r\nYou decided that I’m not your kind (aahh…)<\/p>\r\n\r\n

So I pulled (I pulled) your name out (name out) of my Rolodex (oohh…)
\r\nAnd I tore all your pictures in two
\r\nAnd I burned down the malt shop where we used to go
\r\nJust because it reminds me of you (dippity dippity doo, yeah)<\/p>\r\n\r\n

That’s right (that’s right) you ain’t gonna see me cryin’
\r\nI’m glad (I’m glad) that you found somebody new
\r\n‘Cause I’d rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass
\r\nThan spend one more minute with you<\/p>\r\n\r\n

I guess I might seem kinda bitter
\r\nYou got me feeling down in the dumps
\r\n‘Cause I’m stranded all alone in the gas station of love
\r\nAnd I have to use the self-service pumps<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase
\r\nYou ain’t (you ain’t) gonna break my heart in two
\r\n‘Cause I’d rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face
\r\nThan spend one more minute with you<\/p>\r\n\r\n

I’d rather rip out my intestines with a fork
\r\nThan watch you going out with other men
\r\nI’d rather slam my fingers in a door (yeah)
\r\nAgain and again and again and again and again<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Oh, can’t you see what I’m tryin’ to say, darlin’…<\/p>\r\n\r\n

I’d rather have my blood sucked out by leeches (leeches)
\r\nShove an icepick under a toenail or two
\r\nI’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue
\r\nThan spend one more minute with you<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Yes, I’d rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks
\r\nOr stick my nostrils together with crazy glue
\r\nI’d rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades
\r\nThan spend one more minute with you<\/p>\r\n\r\n

I’d rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage with my bare hands
\r\nand then throw it on the floor and stomp on it ’til I die
\r\nThan spend one more minute
\r\nWith you<\/p>\r\n\r\n

Aaaahhh ooooo<\/p><\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n

And with that, nothing more needs be said.<\/p><\/div>

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